She can’t be…

Broken. Silent. She stood before her defeated reflection, before the uncovered lies that once drove all her life on. Defeated. Demolished. No she couldn’t be…
No, she can’t!
No she can’t be… She remembered all those times, all those things she constantly reproached to others… The broken mirror of who she truly is, was showing her now she is just the same. All that she hated of others, she should hate herself for those same flaws first!  All that she feared, all that she pity of those poor humans… All she swore she would never do! All that, she was doing despite herself! By accepting to care, she had to accept to be able to hate. By living and defending herself, she now started to fight for her life and hurt others! Her breath accelerated gradually has the shard of her broken reflection whispered harshly in her soul the truth of who she was. No better. Not even the slightest inch better then those others she blamed. No she couldn’t be, she couldn’t just be human!

Deep in her soul she hated them, she hated those humans for all their futile battles, their silenced tortures, their infinite and unaware cruelty… She hated them even more since she was seeing in them all the intimate reflection of her own ugliness as much as of her own beauty… The same. She was staring at her broken self, speechless. The same. Emotions were all the same. Hers or theirs. Despite her will and disgust… human…
Her lips opened slightly as the echo of her strongest fear started to take silently shape deep in her soul. Human… she was just another human on this filled earth…

An uncontrolled scream suddenly escaped from the bottom of her stomach, a howl soon rising with strident strength throughout all her body. Nothing of her soul was left untouched by her growing sense of horror and terror. A scream of rage, of deception. A shriek of dismay, of pain. The unspeakable sound of the deepest of self destruction. The unbearable song of rage and disgust, the intolerable melody of what cannot be accepted, escaped through her lips and radiate from her body.

Guided by her rage, her hand searched to dissipate that true illusion, to break that already wrecked image of herself. Her hand reached out to only pricking shards. It was too late to go back, she was already aware.


She just had wished so much she would be different. Not that her life would have been more valuable… just different, particular, just a category apart, like a fallen angel, like a failed experiment. During all those past years, she had preferred to consider herself as a half beast or a strange monster than to accept she was human, like all those people who surround her and hurt her so often and too easily. Like those people who doesn’t know how to appreciate and listen…

The sharp fragments of her broken image soon reached her skin and her soul, destroying her beliefs and her life. Cutting shards left marks of blood throughout who she was and who she thought she was. She was no different than all that she hated. No better. Humans could be so ugly on times. She would have wanted to be different. Humans can be beautiful too. But… could she keep faith in them ? And more over, could she keep faith in herself now knowing and understanding fully how full of flaws she was and how hurtful she could be ? She found all of this and herself so profoundly disgusting. She has already acknowledged such flaws in others, but how could she accept to carry them, her too? With all of her heart and passion, she wanted to better the world with each of her breath…in that sole moment of pain and intense grief, she suddenly understood she had never been able to do that and would never be.
Keep faith in what then?


After shock, disgust, rage and terror, came the sickening pulse of her own weakening life and will. Blood. Demolition. Self hatred. All that now filled the body of her personality and spirit.

Little by little, she felt on the grassy or gray ground. All her senses shed relentlessly her heart’s tears of blood. Broken. Shards continued to pierce her defenses and instill in her a truth she was far to be ready to accept. She couldn’t be… She wanted to… no, not human! She couldn’t have those weaknesses! She surprised herself to curse her so precious newfound feelings and self she put so much efforts in finding…  

Her face reached the ground in a unheard movement.

Friends. She felt so unworthy to them on that day. So disable.

She hated that humanity. Overall, she hated her humanity. She hated her flaws and the fact that despite all possible efforts, she would never be able to be profoundly different.

Warm, tasteful tears of blood were shed by her broken dreams and desires.  

She wanted to go back home, back to where she was innocent and well, unaware of such dilemma and surrounded by understanding and caring people… Back to her forever lost paradise… Salt water mixed themselves with the red liquid on her cheeks.

In a last breath, in a last whisper, she wondered… friendship and love, she remembered… were they truly something worth living for? She was so poor at caring, she thought with a wry, desperate smile…
Her eyes closed on the burning sunset of her changing life. To care… was it possible for her ? In the burning tears of her shivering existence she couldn’t help but to wonder…  



(c) DemonAngel’s Dream
originally written on 07 feb 08